As a first step in my recovery from surviving and extricating myself from an abusive, toxic marriage, I immediately set about finding an answer to the pressing question of “How in the f*ck did I let that happen to me?!”, and its logical follow-on of “How do I stop this shit from ever happening again?”.  (more…)

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As I mentally distance myself more and more from the toxic marriage and consciously project the reality of ending it, I explore the topic of my relationship to music sans Chi.   (more…)

So financial poverty really does make you stupid. Who knew? And more odd bits of recovered personal history.

It’s really not my imagination.  According to this article: http://www.theatlanticcities.com/jobs-and-economy/2013/08/how-poverty-taxes-brain/6716/

FTA:  “In a series of experiments run by researchers at Princeton, Harvard, and the University of Warwick, low-income people who were primed to think about financial problems performed poorly on a series of cognition tests, saddled with a mental load that was the equivalent of losing an entire night’s sleep. Put another way, the condition of poverty imposed a mental burden akin to losing 13 IQ points, or comparable to the cognitive difference that’s been observed between chronic alcoholics and normal adults.”

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As I struggle with what and how much, if any, of this epic disaster with Chi to share with the world at large, I go around and around with the issues of what about this is “right”, “wrong”, or just a simple culture clash — good, bad or indifferent.   (more…)

What happened after the DV incident that ended our marriage  (more…)

A rundown of the final incident that ended our marriage….  (more…)

Further discussion of the impending split (more…)

As alluded to in earlier posts, Chi and I are heading towards a split.  Well…he is trying his best to continue holding me captive, but *I* am heading toward the split.  Will the Panache Orchestra be able to survive? As a close friend recently pointed out,

…it seems to take up a ton of your time, create massive amounts of stress, and is ultimately doomed.

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Well, as most likely everyone who has been following this blog for the past couple years surely must have anticipated, the absurdist drama of Chi and my marriage seems to have reached the point of its practically inevitable doom…. (more…)

I am publishing this list in case it might help someone else to understand that when shit like this is going on, it is time to leave the relationship you are in, or that you are about to be served legal papers, depending on which side of it you are on.  It will not get better.  Trust me on this.  It only gets worse.  Some things may look better at the surface level from time to time, but the underlying problems are very likely still there, which led to things getting to this point in the first place, in which “this point” means that the relationship is so intolerably toxic on a continuous, ongoing basis that it just sucks the life out of you so all you can do is survive from one day to the next.  That is no way to live.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  (Or at this time, I am STILL here, but not for much longer).

Ok, now for the list:

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