I finally “get it”…

22 November 2013

Going through the process of documenting this tragi-comedy caused me to take a close look at the unvarnished truth of what I am dealing with. I have been painting over the writing on the wall ever since Day One, but the paint keeps peeling off. While there is so much to love about Chi — he is an endlessly fascinating, intelligent, highly talented, creative, genuinely good-hearted person who can be so exquisitely sweet and cute and charming and fun and loveable when he wants to, and I do indeed love him very deeply — the reality, which has been repeatedly and consistently borne out over a period of more than 15 years, is that he is a dangerous nuisance and a predator that has caused me great harm, and he has to go. Full stop. It is simply a matter of how and when, and I am getting increasingly impatient and frustrated about the “when”.

By the time our 10-year wedding anniversary on August 8 came and went (a full six months after the infamous 19 February Incident), not only was he still in the house, but no real progress had been made at all with the effort to dislodge him or move forward with the divorce proceeding, and that depressed the hell out of me. This is also potentially problematic from a legal standpoint where being married for at least 10 years constitutes a “long-term marriage”, which has implications for how the process works out with the divorce settlement, once we, or rather *I* ultimately get around to dealing with it. Yes, it will be *I*, because when was the last time a predator willingly let go of its prey? That is contrary to the natural order of things!  I have run out of constructive options, so all signs point to the reality that I will have to forcibly exterminate this parasite infestation. I tried everything….

It also occurred to me that I had never really given full consideration vis-à-vis the more painful emotional abuse and quotidian indignity of having to live in miserable, degrading poverty and squalor and chaos despite working myself into the ground, overwhelmed by the endless “fires” I have to be constantly scrambling around trying to put out, to the way that Chi has crippled me financially by burying me in high-interest survival debt I had to take on in order to float him for the 10 years we lived in California and trashing my credit rating, severely restricting my access to capital and keeping me constantly broke. He accomplished that by refusing to work and earn money and pull his weight with household overhead, and by usurping my time and energy so I was not able to take other jobs on top of the full-time one I already had in order to help make ends meet and buy myself some options. I now realise that that was a very effective strategy for holding me prisoner as his “host” and perpetuating his parasitic way of life by depriving me of options to get out of it.

Even after I finally do succeed in getting him out of my house and out of my immediate personal life and off my balance sheet, it will still take years for me to recover from the damage this has wrought on my credit worthiness and become able to qualify for any significant loan in case I want to buy a house or need a new vehicle, or even if a household appliance breaks down and I need to replace it. This is a particular travesty since after a lifetime of struggling financially, by the time we moved from Tokyo to California I was practically debt-free and my credit record was in the best shape ever.

Carrying that further, it was Chi that bullied and coerced me into one of the absolute shittiest, most degrading, abusive day jobs I have ever got stuck in, and then after finally getting laid off from that bottomless horror, out of financial desperation that was greatly amplified by having to support him and deal with/pay for the endless extra expense he routinely incurs with the stupid, mindless things he constantly does, I ended up taking another job that effectively scuppered my “Plan B” career by shunting me off onto a track of menial, low-paid office admin shitwork, which critically threatens my long-term economic viability. I think the worst thing of all is how he has robbed me of my basic human right to be my best and attract whatever my best would normally attract, dispossessing me of everything I have worked my ass off all my life to be able to benefit from, while at the same time isolating me and depriving me of opportunities to meet people and make contacts that could potentially improve matters for me.

Why would someone put up with a situation like this, especially knowingly? Why had I not figured this out years ago and thrown him overboard long before I had taken on this much water? Well…let’s break it down: there is a huge amount of shame and guilt and pain and anger and embarrassment in acknowledging that you have let yourself be abused and mistreated and conned like this. Let’s also not forget about the nearly ubiquitous “blame the victim” attitude that typically characterises the response to such an admission. Why blame the victim? Good question. Given that it’s so obviously contrary to human nature to tolerate abuse and maltreatment, the people receiving the abuse must be really fucked up, therefore it’s their own fault, right? What is often not given fair consideration is that the abusee’s fucked-up-ness is typically being skillfully manipulated and exploited by their abuser.

Additionally, people don’t want to know about stuff like this. It puts a huge burden on them — an awkward, uncomfortable sense of guilt, thinking that they ought to do something — but what should they do? What can they do? This is especially problematic given the unpredictable and capricious way that these things tend to play out once law enforcement and the judicial system get involved. Believe me, I know.

On top of all this, there were other factors in play as well, like our musical project and my/our well founded but still unmet expectations for it, and the constant narrative running in the background saying such things as “well, if you just jump through these ten zillion crazymaking hoops, results are practically guaranteed!”, etc., but not so much if you are doing anything even slightly out of the box like we are, but that’s another story that it took me a while to catch on to. I’ll also take the opportunity to add my observation that the people who are successful as independent artists overwhelmingly tend to be good “people persons”, i.e., strong networkers and connectors who are skillful in garnering support from and leveraging the efforts of others.  That is not part of my skill set.

Well…I can’t refrain from adding that if I had been given one iota of support and cooperation from Chi in my efforts to make a viable go of it (yes, *MY* efforts, since all he saw fit to do was hassle me and try his best to sabotage and obstruct every fucking thing I tried to do), we almost surely would have got farther than we did. No telling what will happen going forward. All I care about right now is documenting the art that we created together. At least that will account for what in the hell happened to the past 16 years of my life.