I found this piece near the bottom of my pile of drafts and was nonplussed to find that Chi’s extreme dysfunctionality and my extreme distress because of it was going on long before the catastrophic events in Japan of March 11, 2011.  There may be more since I did not start publishing my journals that portrayed Chi in a negative light until around August, 2011, by which point he had totally gone off the rails and nearly succeeded in taking me down with him. 

Listen while you read to an informal recording taken at a live show of “The Dream is Over”

10 September 2010

Ok, I’ve been giving all I have left to this project for nearly 2 1/2 years now, and it’s getting increasingly difficult to ignore the writing on the wall: that the person I am doing this with is clearly not capable of functioning at the level he needs to in order to get any further, and that I am desperately unhappy and the only discernible path to redemption is cutting my losses and getting rid of him.

He has yet again sabotaged a high profile live appearance with his toxic, abusive, mentally disturbed behavior and ruined yet another evening for me as he has done countless times before, and will no doubt continue to do for as long as I continue to put up with it. Obviously, he has to go.  Whatever happens to him next is not my problem.  Whatever I choose to do next with my life is none of his business.

I have long since run out of love for that toxic, destructive parasite, and know that I will at least have the possibility of being happy or at very least, be free to manage my life in a way that makes sense for me, once I remove him from it.  One of the biggest holdups to getting rid of him is wondering what I’ll do other than music since it seems senseless to try to start up an entirely new project at this stage.  I certainly don’t have the will or the energy to try to do something with another person again, and I’m not at all sure I am passionate enough about making music or inspired enough as a composer to make a viable go of it composing soundtrack and underscore material, which is about the only path that resonates with me at this point.

So if not that, then what?  Well, whatever it is, it can’t be any worse than what I’m living with now, and I can instantly think of all sorts of ways that I will immediately benefit from purging myself of the parasite infestation: a clean, orderly, peaceful home; money and time available to take care of myself and have a worthwhile quality of life for the first time in nearly a decade (obviously I’ll enjoy that spa treatment or yoga class much more knowing that I won’t be abused and terrorized as soon as I get home or just back to the car since he insists on making me take him with me practically any time I try to go anywhere.); time and energy to make new friends and maintain/repair my relationship with the ones I already have (and haven’t lost yet because of him); be free to find love again and choose more wisely this time; have the peace and clarity and energy to focus on what I’ll do next, and on and on and on.

The prevailing situation is 100% unsustainable as well as unendurable: I cannot continue indefinitely trying to do at least half a dozen full-time, specialized professionals’ worth of work for the band while working a full-time day job to support the whole house (since Mr. Special Needs refuses to work), shouldering nearly 100% of the burden of keeping the household functioning, acting as a single parent and custodian of the dependent adult child, and all the while suffering from constant, extreme stress from being subjected to a virulently toxic, hostile environment and routine domestic abuse, plus the frustration and distress of working so hard to advance the project only to have him sabotage and obstruct my efforts every step of the way.

That said, now that I have so many elements in place for us to succeed, complete with a clear action plan and support players at the ready, do I go ahead with it knowing perfectly well that he will be working equally hard to destroy everything, and very likely manifest the humiliating scenario a close, long-term friend predicted in which he self destructs while we’re under the media spotlight an easy reach from significant success, or do I just give up and throw in the towel now and move on?  Will I be able to live with myself if I do?  Can I (or should I) physically withstand several more months (or years) of constant abuse and harrowing stress and sabotage – living as a virtual prisoner in my own home – with the prospects for success so dim?

Even if we did achieve significant success, I do not wish to carry on with this slave-like life in which my entire existence is driven and controlled by the dysfunctionality of another person, and I am held hostage to his drug addiction and mental illness that he refuses to take responsibility for and deal with.  It seems inevitable that we must separate, and I find working with him so intensely distressing that I would have very little motivation to continue with it, especially after finally succeeding in extricating him from my personal space.  He is not capable of surviving on his own here, and would have to move back to Japan anyway if I threw him out.  I have very little motivation to move back to Japan as he has recently been trying to con me into, as his obvious intention is to continue parasiting off of me for as long as I will allow it.

I have lost interest in life to the point where I don’t feel motivated by anything (apart from trying to reduce my exposure to his constant toxic negativity and abuse) and nothing sounds appealing to me.  I have never felt that I had sufficient brilliance or aptitude in any particular skill area to do anything other than plod through life in mediocre obscurity, but then again the bar has been dropped so low that the most utterly unremarkable people are able to succeed.  I’ll have to find something to save myself, because I am desperately sick of feeling like I spend every second I’m awake dealing with endless shit, and spending most nights tossing and turning as I wonder how I got to this point and spinning my mind in endless circles in the futile pursuit of a viable exit strategy.

I have given up many opportunities to liberate myself from this crazymaking misery, and I must not put it off until he has spent the last of his inheritance and I’ll be stuck with him forever, or having to borrow thousands of dollars to get rid of him (and exactly how will I do that anyway since he has also destroyed my capital base and credit rating?).

I don’t know what to do, but I know what I should do….

GREAT article about living with an alcoholic/addict: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-bennett/alcohol-addiction-recover_b_612177.html

Carole’s website: http://www.familyrecoverysolutions.dreamhosters.com/