Some positive developments with Chi  

Listen while you read to “Carousel” from the Panache Orchestra’s “10 Strings” album, c & p. 2008.

Late January 2012

People who have been following this blog since 2011 may well be thinking that I ought to re-title it “Spotlight on Brenda K’s Personal Demolition Derby”, or “Bad Marriages and Other Ways to Totally Fuck Up Your Life”

After nearly a year of acceleration of Chi’s very dysfunctional behavior, he has been behaving much better recently (with the notable exception of this incident), and it could be attributed to any number of things or combination thereof, so I won’t even attempt to assign a specific cause for this extraordinary and most welcome turn of events.  Possible contributing factors are the following:

1. I pray every day for this, and so do other people familiar with the situation.
2. He has been working regularly as an actor for just over a year now after five years of unemployment during which he hasn’t seen fit to do anything other than sit in the house rotting away while driving me totally fucking batshit.
3. His work as an actor gets him out of the house, productively engaged, and interacting with other people, making new friends, etc.
4. I have been working very hard at fixing some seriously unpleasant aspects of our home.
5. #4 & #3 above have significantly improved my state of mind, both by having a more liveable space from which to exist and make stuff happen, as well as having him out of the house regularly enough to give me a breather from his crazymaking Cluster B behavior, which has helped greatly to improve my attitude toward him.
6. Again, because of #2 above, he is regaining his confidence and feeling like he has some control over his life.  This improvement to his state of mind seems to be resulting in him taking more initiative to do things for himself instead of being so oppressively dependent on me, making me do every single thing for him, which again has done much to improve my attitude toward him.
7. He has had some experiences over the past year that have very likely also contributed to increasing his self-confidence and independence (i.e., going to Cuba for three weeks by himself without having me around to figure everything out and make everything work for him, and going on a quite strenuous hiking expedition with a couple other (Japanese) people who are extremely different from him to an extraordinarily beautiful and inspiring location).  This undoubtedly pushed his limits to new places.
8. Presumably due to the confidence and sense of self worth he is recovering by being productively engaged on a regular basis for the first time in many years (and in a field where physical appearance is critically important), he is taking better care of himself, i.e., his grooming, hygiene, wardrobe, etc., and no longer stinking me out and disgusting me by looking and smelling like a homeless person.

Referring back to #1 above, I have been engaged in my own life transformation since the latter part of 2011 after several years of total despair in which I basically let my life go swirling down the porcelain fixture.  I’m sure that may have had a thing or two to do with this turn of events as well.

I have recently been delighted to learn that for certain things, we can work very effectively and harmoniously together, such as cooking dinner and cleaning house.  However on other things (such as major household renovation projects), I still prefer to work by myself or with someone who is experienced in such work (i.e., knows what to expect and what to do), since Chi apparently hasn’t yet evolved past his default M.O. of obstructing my progress by projecting his profoundly entrenched sense of (learned) helplessness and profoundly impoverished world view in which everything is impossible over the whole process.

Back to the title of this post: it’s too early to tell at this point, but without trying to actively project it, I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility of him suddenly flipping out over some random trigger and throwing another big, ugly shit-stink.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t….


Update: As expected, he did, just a few weeks after I originally wrote this post.