People may wonder why despite our considerable existing and ongoing creative output there is very little new content uploaded to the Panache Orchestra websites on anything resembling a frequent basis. Why might this be?
Let’s listen to the sound of *silence* in honour of the title of this post, shall we?
Spring-Summer-early fall 2013 (ongoing, age-old problem)
Well, in addition to this reason and this one and this one and this one, the short answer is because it’s an intensely frustrating, crazymaking fucking nightmare due among other things to the severely mentally ill, drug-addicted nut job I am doing this with.
Time after time after time, year after year, I have gone to an infinite amount of maddening hassle, not to mention extreme sleep deprivation, to edit and upload videos, photos, audio clips, etc., almost always after consulting with Chi about what he wanted uploaded and achieving what I was convinced was a meeting of minds about what he wanted, only to have him throw a big, ugly shit-stink at me afterward, insisting that I never consulted him about what I ended up uploading, and why didn’t I ask his permission before uploading it, and blah-dee-blah.
BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TIME TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION ABOUT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DETAIL WHEN YOU’RE ON DRUGS (which is most of the time that we are both home and awake) AND THEN HAVE TO SIT THERE LISTENING TO ENDLESS DRUG-ADDLED BLATHERING NONSENSE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! And…extensive experience informs me that when dealing with a drug-addicted, narcissistic, mentally disturbed asshole such as you, no matter what I do, you are going to find fault with it and give me shit for it. Also there is Chi’s paranoia that everyone is out to steal his stuff. For the love of god, it’s difficult enough to just get people to stop and listen to it in the first place, so why in the hell would he think anyone is going to go out of their way to steal it?!
While I’m on this rant, I really, REALLY fucking resent the way “his highness” sits there on his big, tall, pig-ignorant, toweringly ARROGANT know-it-all high horse barking out orders at me as if I’m a fucking busboy, when he can’t even do a single damn thing for himself and is helplessly dependent on ME to do EVERYTHING for him. This is especially irksome when it’s about maintenance of TPO’s promotional materials. We wouldn’t even fucking HAVE any at all if I hadn’t done every. single. goddamned. thing. to create/produce absolutely everything we do have, both online and offline. That’s a major reason why I can seldom be bothered to deal with this shit, as he makes it such an infuriating ordeal by spouting petulant, spoiled-toddler nonsense at me, demanding that I do whatever he wants, when he is completely ignorant of what is needed. Of extra special annoyance is the ridiculous shit-stink he always throws about our main demo video. That’s a whole saga in itself, and one that clearly demonstrates what a profoundly disturbed, narcissistic, spoiled child I am dealing with.
For example, he seems to be completely oblivious of the fact that other people are very busy WORKING and making shit happen, and NOBODY has time to listen all the way through a 5+minute piece to make a simple decision as to whether to book us or not. They are just going to skip through it arbitrarily and decide whether they are interested in us or not. He apparently does not understand that a general demo video should be designed to quickly demonstrate (get it, “demo”, “demonstrate”?) what we do through very brief clips of us playing in various styles and contexts. Prospective clients are not interested in a 15- to-20-minute documentary of a particular performance. They also want to see something that is well-filmed with good sound, i.e., making us look professional, and not some amateurish crap with bad lighting and poor quality audio, even if we are playing exceptionally well to nobody. Fuck it….
Another thing that sucks about all this is that when we get booked for something that I need to provide promo info for, we may well have morphed into something completely different from what we were that last time I did any major update of our stuff (and is anybody still wondering why I seldom get around to that?), and that’s another problem: since I do this so infrequently, more often than not some major upgrade has been made to the editing platform of the various websites, so then I have to go through the whole ordeal of re-learning how to edit the sites and figuring out where everything is and how the “new improved version” works!
At any rate, that means that while I promised to send the info to whoever booked us immediately, when I take a look at it before selecting bits to send, I realize that what I have in hand is totally off the mark, so I have to start all over again and create new promo copy! I may not be in a position to do that in a timely manner, and because I know that whatever I produce under the gun to meet someone’s print deadline will almost certainly suck because I either don’t have time to think it through properly and compose something decent, or I’m just not in a good space to do so even if I do have time available, which makes it even harder to get it done, plus the fact that I’m totally burnt out on this shit so I have practically no motivation to do it anyway.
More about gigs: I think I am finally really truly done with gigging. After doing this all my life and by this point realising the utter futility of trying to earn a sustainable living as a performer, which means that if I have any aspirations of ever having a humanly worthwhile standard of living, I have to find a way to earn a predictable and adequate amount of income every month, which for now means having to work a day job. When I finally do manage to remove Chi from my home and immediate personal life, I expect to have the time and space and peace and clarity to work out some sort of economically viable entrepreneurship with sustainable long-term prospects.
However in the meantime, since working a day job is an inevitable necessity for the foreseeable future, I have finally acknowledged that even when clients actually do pay us, in six years it has practically never worked out to be sufficient to compensate me for the loss of the only time I have to get shit done, since I don’t earn enough money to be able to hire someone else to clean my house and do my laundry and grocery shopping and food preparation for me while I am out working for nothing or next to nothing in the evenings and weekends after my day job.
While on this rant I just discovered one more reason why I’ve pretty much had it with live performances. Two words: The PA. Having to be stumbling over all that equipment and junk jamming up my office room for weeks on end because when we get home totally exhausted after a gig, I rarely have the energy to have to pull about a dozen things out of the PA closet so I can stuff the gear back in and then pile all the other shit back in on top of it, so most of it stays out on the floor, making it impossible to close the door and obstructing the whole room while attracting more bullshit to pile onto the mess.
While having a somewhat hidden, off-street location to park our truck so we no longer have to haul all the gear upstairs into the house immediately after every gig and a relatively large amount of equipment to choose from now is indeed orders of magnitude better than it used to be, one reason why this is such a hassle is exactly that: we have several different configurations of PA equipment that we can customize according to the gig. We also have several different configurations of our merch kit, and all that stuff gets crammed into one too-small closet since for some inscrutable reason, whoever built L.A. around the turn of the century and several decades into it apparently didn’t think people would need any storage space! Hmmm…I guess poor people who have to live in shitty apartments don’t have any stuff, so why would they need storage space???
And another thing: I really resent the way that Chi insists on trying to force me to use archaic methodology and equipment on things (such as recording) and demands that I jump through all the idiotic hoops of trying to figure out how to work with it due to his ignorance of current technology and unwillingness to part with any money to buy anything new that would make it easier and improve the quality, which is very odd given how freely he throws money around whenever he sees an instrument he likes or gets some wild hair up his ass about something new that he wants to try, or even just on totally random stuff that he doesn’t even need!
That’s a major problem: I am just. totally. burned. out. on practically EVERY fucking thing I have to do in order to survive my life to the point that it’s a monumental struggle to force myself to do any damn thing at all these days! So it would seem that in the end, it is more satisfying and cathartic for me to write about the reasons why practically nothing ever gets done rather than continuing bashing my head against the pointless brick wall obstructing the fool’s errand of trying to actually accomplish something.
As I periodically write these rants over the years, it finally dawned on me that the core issue is the autocratic, petty tyrant-y way that Chi communicates at me, and his stone refusal to go about anything in an orderly, rational, systematic way that would be likely to produce a successful outcome.